Television. An ad for a yeast infection medication. A woman is being fitted for her wedding dress. The voiceover says,
“Isn’t this the worst time for intense feminine itch?!”
And all I can think is, “This chick is twenty-three years old, hasn’t had kids yet, and has never had to do her own grocery shopping while keeping a toddler from filling the cart with enough Rice-a-Roni to feed the entire Peace Corps for a week. She’s in a room with her mother (who gave birth to her) and a seamstress (who sees women in their underpants on a daily basis), and she’s stressed about an itch. Honey, you have NO IDEA.”
For starters: “Do you, Jane, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?” – “Hang on, hang on, HELLA itch down there … ahhh, got it. I do!”
Enjoying a nice dinner on the honeymoon: “Yes, I’d like the filet mignon with a side … with a side of … with … AUUGHHHHHH! Berightbackjustorderwithoutme!”
Enjoying other activities on the honeymoon: “No, I always hop around scratching myself like a monkey when I’m aroused. You’ll get used to it, dear.”
The inevitable first grown-up speeding ticket: “Gahhh! No! I’m not reaching for a weapon!”
Job interview: “I feel that I am uniquely … er … uniquely suited … [squirm] … uniquely suited [crosses legs] to this company because … [squirm] … actually I just remembered I have a hair appointment I have to go now ‘k thanks bye!”
Hair appointment – well, actually that one wouldn’t be too bad as long as she had one of those nice big plastic capes to hide under.
Parent-teacher conference: “No, as far as I [wiggle] know, our family doesn’t have any history of [squirm] attention [shift] deficit [scratch] issues.”
Ladies’ Bible study at church: “Jane, would you like to lead us in a word of prayer?” “Of course! Everybody close your eyes, and KEEP THEM CLOSED. Our Father…”
Poor Jane. I hope her medicine helps. Some day this will just be one more funny story to tell her grandchildren (although only the girls, and only when they’re grown up). In the meantime, the only cure for naivete is life.