When I was in the third grade, I was allowed to stay in the district’s talented-and-gifted program even though I’d been absent one more time than the maximum allowed, since my test scores to get into the class were among the highest they’d seen in the history of the program.

I got a 1540 on the SAT back in the olden days when a 1600 was a perfect score.

I was eight when I found my first typographical error in a library book, and a few years ago I very nearly mailed Charles J. Sykes’ editor an angrily red-penned copy of the error-riddled paperback edition of – here’s your daily dose of irony – “Dumbing Down Our Kids:  Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can’t Read, Write or Add.”  (It was BAD, folks.  Major grammatical errors, spelling errors, garden-variety printer’s typos, the works.)


This evening I forgot, after having been to several concerts at the same venue in downtown Portland, that there is always a parking problem for this event.  ALWAYS.  I did not allow adequate time to circle several blocks multiple times, park north of Lovejoy, and jog back past Kearney, Johnson, Irving, Glisan, Flanders, Everett, and – hang on, Couch Street?  What happened to Davis?  It should be right there!  Back to Everett.  Why am I on 19th?  I thought I was on 15th!  Wait, Burnside? How did I get to Burnside?  More jogging.  Extended bad language.  My apologies to everybody who lives anywhere from 20th & Burnside to 18th & Everett, especially that poor cyclist, I truly wasn’t talking to you, I was just talking to Portland at large.

On the way home, I missed my exit because I was trying to figure out how many blocks I’d jogged trying to get there on time.  (Seventeen.)  Yes, this would be the same exit I have taken to get home at least once a week, sometimes more than once a day, since 1991.

Still within a five-hour time frame here, I discovered on the way home that – well, the high beams on my car?  The one I’ve been driving since the summer of 2008?  The way they kind of blink bright for a second when I turn them on but then I really can’t see a lot of difference?  Well, I was pushing the lever the wrong way.  If I pull it towards myself, they blink.  If I push it forward – they stay on!

Yep, that’s me – bringing balance to the Force, one blonde moment at a time.

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4 Responses to Equilibrium.

  1. manofewords says:

    The other one does the wipers.

  2. omawarisan says:

    It isn’t you. You only use those lights in the dark. Are the markings on the control glow in the dark? Should you be reading them when youre driving anyhow? Not your fault!

    • Bee says:

      Exactly! The lit-up bits are fine with telling me stuff I DON’T need to know, like my RPMs – I mean, really! RPMs? Do they think I’m going to be driving down the road thinking, “Ooo, a few too many RPMs, I’d better slow down a bit / speed up a bit / call the car repair guy / give the car a cookie!” (Not sure which of these would be the appropriate response.)

      But the things I REALLY want to know, like the “on” button on my stereo, are in the dark. And how to turn on my high beams. And how to get the seat adjusted so that it doesn’t swing forward and try to propel me out the front windshield. What they really ought to have is something written down with all this information in it, all in one neat handy place, maybe a little book of some sort … small enough to fit in the glove compartment … with a white cover and grey and black print and the Honda logo up in the corner … that I could stuff right under my map of Oregon and the emergency Cheez-and-cracker pack … um …

      Never mind.

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